today is a day for meeting new people and respecting old friends

in kicking drills today, there will be a large and fat man eating a steak in the corner of the field. be afraid of this fat man. in the grease-stained recesses of your bowels, you will tremble with methane. you will feel his steak shiv dig into your anus and into your intestines and, eventually, pull its slag through your mouth and out onto a wet spot of grass near your gym bag.

today is a good day to show respect for animals you have slaughtered in the name of victory. consider slaughtering an extra pig or lamb, and showering your children in its blood.